Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home