not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
You Might Also Like
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Would you wear it?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe