A couple who are silly together stay together.
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Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
This trial is so absurd 😭
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.