Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
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Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
ok this is my dumbest yet
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me