A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Every photo I’m tagged in
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
live, laugh, laundry.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.