Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
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Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
☺️
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind