Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
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Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Mornin
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”