If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”