I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.