Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
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me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I鈥檓 smuggling a baseball
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I鈥檓 old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 馃槱
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that鈥檚 fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?