Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.