Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!