*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
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5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.