my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.