Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
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CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER