If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
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Ah to hear the music of the angles!
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My Guy
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.