Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
describing stardew valley
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.