I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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the answer was staring at me all along
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV