Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
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Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr