HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
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They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Florida be like…
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door