grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Life cycle of cat
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage