Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Mountain Goat : )
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means