So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
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Oh yeh? Explain this then
Real House Wines.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
blocked.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too