Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool