Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
You Might Also Like
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.