What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
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A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Worst Native American name ever.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho