My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
In space, no one can hear…
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.