Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?