Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.