The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Isn’t
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert