wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.