video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.