It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
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Easy enough.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.