Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
You Might Also Like
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job