When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
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MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no