Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
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my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions: