I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
fired
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?