your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
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*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.