People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy