“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
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Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”