I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
when u come home smelling like another dog
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera