Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
just make the entire table out of coaster
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?