Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I might carry a baby with one hand.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?