ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
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Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes