The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
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Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*