My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
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[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Why is everyone getting married at me
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Ugh
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.