I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
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I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
A man of commitment.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.