Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.