Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
u guys got any snacks onboard here
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.