the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
You know I’m something of a chef myself
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough